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2012
is finally coming...... Another year has gone by. I guess this
year was another fuck-up year for me. I guess the last couple
years have been such a disaster. Nothing different. Always
remain the same shit. Anyways, I sincerely hope that the next year
is going to be a great year for me. No matter what I have to make
it as my brightest year ever and I know I can do it !!! God bless me,
pls. Anyways, I have been chatting and msg. with So Ling for
sometime now. Actually, I really have no interest at her.
But few months ago, she was chatting with me in MSN. The way she
chat was telling me that she actually wanted to be with me. She
complained that I was always not around and always giving her empty
promises. To be frank, I don't remember I did promise her
anything. She kept bitching about me not regarding her as most
important person in my heart. Honestly, I really have no interest
at her. It was her the one who thinks I like her. Actually I
wanted to tell her but just that I don't know how to put it into words.
Anyways, since 2012 is coming up so I guess would be the best time to
deal with this shit. We went to Causeway bay Starbucks and have a
cup of coffee. We sat there for awhile and started to chat for
awhile. To be frank, there is no feelings at all. Perhaps
she also felt the same way, so we spited after an hour of coffee time.
After I went back home, she sent me a msg. and saying that thanks for my
coffee with your friend signature. I guess that was great.
At least I don't have to waste my time anymore. Actually, we met
each other since 2008 I guess. That day was my friend's fashion
show after party. We went down to the pub street right located in
Causeway Bay. It just happened that she was sitting the other
table with her friends and we started to play dice together and that is
how we wet. Anyways, thank god. Finally this has been taking care
of. Looking forward to 2012.
While its nearly hitting to the year end, my moods are swinging heavily these few days. To be frank, what did I have done for this entire year? Pretty much, none. Absolutely nothing has been accomplished or achieved in this whole year. This is surely disappointing. But anyhow, the next year is coming up. I think this year has to be totally different than this year. I will do my very best to make it the best of the best and hopefully there will not be any regret when it reaches to 2012-12-21.
These past few days have been tough for me. A lot of memories have been popped up not just in my mind but with my dream as well. These were so torture and painful. Sometimes How I wish I can stay in my dreams forever and not able to wake up anymore. Dreams sometimes are so amazing that I just started to resist the reality. I hate getting up. Getting up makes me feel like I am dead again. How Ironic? Perhaps I really need to do something to fix my life. Life is always short. One blink of an eye is one quarter of your life. Therefore, something might really need to be done while we can still do¡K¡K
Recently, I am thinking of Soling. My relationship with her. Somehow I knew that she is willing to start it with me. In one hand, I would love to but in the other hand, I don¡¦t. I am really scared. I don¡¦t know when and why since I am so scared with someone. Perhaps I don¡¦t think I am good enough to be with someone. In fact, I really do not have any good quality that can make anyone happy and fortunate anyways. I guess this would be a good thing that I do not make our relationship into way too deep. At this stage, at least nothing is gonna happened.
Well, Things are getting out of hand, I really gotta do something in order to have the really Rex back.
I was reading newspaper today
and I found something very interesting. I was kinda shocked when I
have seen her face in the newspaper. It was Mela...... I seen her
photo with her husband in the newspaper. I just couldn't believe
that Mela is marrying with a young political party leader. Well,
Congratulations! I am happy for her. Although we couldn't
work out last time when we were together but the time that we had was
surely my best memories. She was a great lover. Actually, we
was planning to open up a bank account and started to save our money for
wedding when we were together for a month. But the problem is that
I was way too playful when I was with her. I still wanna play and
have fun all da time. I guess that was one of the reason why we
couldn't work out. And after we broke up, I went out with Barbie.
I guess that was a warming to me. Alot of my exes has already getting
married... and look at myself, I am still the same old me.
Sometimes I wonder why and what I am doing all these while?? I
guess I should get a gf. and starting to think of my future. But
the problem is that how easy is to find someone who is ms. right for
me??? If Ms. Right now then surely super easy... but now I am talking
the ultimate last ms. Right forever. Anyways, I guess the best I
can do is to wait for 2012. God, if there is one, please bless me
to find a right one for myself, so that I can start with my little
family as soon as possible.
This is supposed to be another ordinary kind of day. But turned out, of course another torturing day for me. Life for me now is meaningless, worthless, and pointless! Coincidently today ¡¥s date: December 10th was once a special date for me. This day back in approximately fifteen years ago, was the first day I went back together with Lily Kam, my first love ever in my life. We have been through a lot of stuffs, my first hug, first hand-holding, first kiss, virginity, first abortion, first¡K.. just a thousands of firstes!!! I don¡¦t know how to describe or how to measure the quantity of the love that I have contributed or devoted in this relationship. This relationship is not just about love, it is more than everything to me. This has been the most exciting, brightening, colorful piece of my life. Even after all these years, she still happens to appear in my dream regularly. I just couldn¡¦t stop of thinking of her. Although I have to admit that we were no longer be possible to be together any more. The mistakes, hurts, tortures that I have given her were way too much. If I ever have any chances to repay her, I think probably 1000 lives would still not sufficient to overcome all the sufferings she has gone through. I was such a big time loser and although I was once treating her 110% well¡K but that was only the very beginning¡K The whole thing has changed and going totally downwards after I have made her pregnant¡K¡K Moreover, as I have come back to Hong Kong for summer vacation, the whole thing went even more fucking insane¡K¡K And you, used to be my Queen, and latter has turned into my slaver, kept begging me to return to be an ordinary man¡Ka man that used to love you 110% with every pieces of me. The man who used to treat you 110% and would fully or even unconditionally fulfilled everything that you have asked for. To be frank, I was desperate to become the old me perhaps you might not know or might never know. But I just failed. I am so so sorry! I really wished that these kinds of things were never happened to me or even never occurred in my life. But the reality is hurting¡K. After we have finished one big challenge, there is always another one with much bigger and harder. This time around, I failed¡K Although you have never giving up on me initially but ¡K finally I have decided to give up myself. I have even committed suicide and hoping to end my life by then. It was really unfortunate that my ¡§auntie¡¨ Anita has always be my life-saver!!! She has sent me to the hospital on time. If not, I will be dead long by then. I guess everything has happened for a reason. My life perhaps was meant or needed to be more fuck-up!
After all these while, I was still the old me now with no one¡¦s around. Although I have been in a number of relationships after, but still there is no one who can compare our ones. The love that I have for you is always unique and always special¡K It has always been the best best best time of my life. I know that we will probably not be able to meet again. Although, I have seen you twice in Hong Kong already, but you seems to prefer us to be in the ¡§strangers¡¨ status. I understand that this is absolutely nothing else I can possibly ask for. Especially after all the things that I have done to you and all the harms, hurts, tortures that I have made you suffered! Today, perhaps you are living a new life long before then. And perhaps you have already married with a good husband or you have already having your own child. Perhaps you might not even remember who is ¡§me¡¨ or not even remember there is such a ¡§me-person¡¨ has ever existed. But in my heart, I will always remember you and will always praying for you!!! Take good care, Lily! I am gonna miss you always!