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It has been a long long time since I have having writing this journal
again. These past months have been fucked as usual. Somehow
the older a person gets, the more worries he have. I was pretty
much a dying man whom was in agony. I often wonder when is this stuff
going to be ceased? This was way too provocative as tons of my attempts
and efforts have been all wasted. I was torn and tormented! Roads
seems to be full of obstacles and I, was not be able to pass thru it by
myself. Ironically, all my attempts have spontaneously
become sabotages to my recovery road. This to me, was like a life
battle. I would never imagine that all my so called "attempts" would
actually jeopardize my chances of success. This matter has been dragged
way far too long. Two years are coming down to road now, and nothings
changed. Things were exactly the same as before. All these self-remorse
and shames have condemned me to a suicidal thought. These remorse and
shames were too devastating and overwhelming as they provoked much of my
feelings, such as suicide. I conceded that I had lost the battle and
was totally powerless over it. I guess reaching out and seeking help
perhaps would be the only remaining alternatives. But the crucial
question is that whom? Who can I really talk to? Who can fully
understand my problem and with absence of discriminations? This kind of
person hardly exists!!! In the absence of professional assistance, I
have literally becoming a scum-bag. Sun is no longer shining splendidly
and the night seems to be eternally dark. Although I endeavored to tear
apart this darkness, but the light was always hidden. All I have
seen was pure of darkness, light seems to be absolutely inexistence. It
was pathetic to watch my condition deteriorate day by day. But
there was nothing I can do about it?! I sooner discovered that I was in
a maze. A maze that has been holding my hostage for all my life.
Although I endeavored to get out from the maze, but I found myself was
actually walking to the dead-end. People often says "A dead body is
without sensation", but that is pretty much me, alive but without
sensation. I knew this would have to come an end as this has become too
devastating. But I was powerless to rectify the situation despite I was
desperate for change. Now that another four months passed by, the
current situation still remained the same. What else can I do? Should I
just surrender my life now? Or should I be fighting for it now? This has
been driven me crazy. Somewhere long the line, I was desperate to fight
and getting myself out from the maze. But the temptations and evils were
enormous. They were old rivals vying with me during my recovery. They
always conquer my persistence and dragging me back to the maze. They
have been playing a wicked game with terrific manipulations, and me, was
always being defeated. But should this be the end? No, No way! Although
this might seem to be a relatively difficult task, but there should
always be a way out. Where there is a will, there is a way. The
crucial factor is the willingness to change. With an indomitable
will, I should be able to overcome all the obstacles that I have
encountered during the war. I would have made strenuous efforts to
improve my life. This was my only way and perhaps my last opportunity to
get out from the maze. I have to remind myself the beauty of the world,
and the wonderful feelings of having a glamorous complete life. This
would not happen over night and patience was the key. Life would only
exist when one is willing to devote completely to it. Sacrifice comes
within the change, and painful feelings might last weeks and months.
Devils again would be actively seeking chances to attack my faith.
These psychological attacks cannot be under estimated, as a minor
failure would indeed jeopardize my recovery road. One failure would put
everything back into square one again. But with cautious mind and
persistent will power, the sun is yet to come! A Glimpse of the
light over an once-eternal darkness sky, Yesterday was once full of
sorrows as no one thereto guides, Confusion leads endlessly trauma as
real me gradually subsides, Struggling for the better endeavor to
overcome all tides, One day sun suddenly appears and perfect life
finally lies. Written By gOdZfZAiR
Well, Finally has arrived to this big huge day. Another two hours,
it will be Chinese New Year. Actually, a lot of people are
extremely enjoy Chinese New Year and they always look forward to it.
But for me, I guess that just makes me feel anything better. I
don't know why perhaps because the older one gets, the more one
hates..... Even when I was young, I rarely celebrate CNY with my parents
since I was always isolated with them. When I was in High School,
they were back in Hong Kong. As time went by, I guess I just
become so numb about this festival. Except for the fact that I get
a few days off from work, there is nothing that makes me happy about
this CNY holiday. Especially the last couple years, my relatives
were asking about my marriages and my work, these were killing me.
Actually, I didn't know how to face them. Of course, I would also
want to get married as soon as possible. But the problem is that
marriage is not a game, it is a life long thing. Decision has to
be made carefully. Actually, the problem for me is that I don't
even have a gf. now. Maybe I am just not attractive enough.
Before I don't used to think such a way. But recently and reality
makes me believe that I have no more market already. I guess now I
just have to wait. Only Fate can give what I want. Anyways,
This 2012, as I promised myself earlier, I have to make it as my best
year ever. So in here, Wish myself and everyone a great year and
hope everyone best of luck in the year of Dragon.
It was super surprise for me that I actually received Auntie Wong's
phone call today. She went back to Hong Kong for this CNY. I
was so happy that she has finally come back to HK. She has always
been my life-saver. Without her, I don't think I am still alive
today. There has been a number of occasions that I have almost
lost my life. But thanks to her, I am still living in this shitty
world today. Actually I have still remembered that there was one
time when I was in Canada. I was so so so closed to death. I
started to lose my eye sight, then my hearing... everything has started
to fade away.. I could still remember the scene. Before that
incident, I really wanted to die... but while the death come closer, I
started to feel scare. The fear of death has been way too
overwhelming! I was so afraid...... But luckily, Auntie has
come in time and she sent me to hospital right away. The doctor
said that I was way too lucky coz if I have arrived 20 mins or so later,
I would be dead by then. Anyways, my life belongs to her. If
she asked me to do whatever, I surely will not think or argue about it.
Anyways, I am so happy that she come.. and I indeed would be looking
forward to meet her soon.
Once there is a life, there is an opportunity. Life is irreplaceable, the strongest, most sparkling
amour in which given by God. Even when suffering endlessly trauma, tremendous grief & lost all of the belongings or anyone around, as long as Life remain stills, it can still exalt its unlimited power, and generates unimaginable miracle. Never give up and Miracle happens as long as Life remains. This
seems to be quite positive. But in reality how easy would it be?
Sometimes I think talking or writing is way too easy... and it is super
difficult when it comes down to action. Somewhere along the line,
we always have to face obstacles, challenges and how often we can
overcome till the end? Today I am absolutely powerless! I am
powerless over everything. I don't seem to find my way thru. If there is
a god, would you be able to help me thru? I was lost! Really Lost!
Sun is no longer shining splendidly and the night seems to be eternally
dark. Although I endeavored to tear apart this darkness, but the light
was always hidden. All I have seen was pure of darkness, light
seems to be absolutely inexistence. It was pathetic to watch my
condition deteriorate day by day. But there was nothing I can do
about it?! I sooner discovered that I was in a maze. A maze that has
been holding my hostage for all my life. Although I endeavored to get
out from the maze, but I found myself was actually walking to the
dead-end!!! When I can get out?! HELP!!
Recently I have been having suicide thoughts¡K.. I just couldn¡¦t stop
myself of thinking about it. Somehow I wonder what am I doing with my
life now? I felt so tired and helpless. I just wanna get it over with.
I started to lose my faith. I don¡¦t know what is the meaning of living
and the purpose of surviving. God, who can help me? Who can tell me? I
am so tired of everything. I felt so sick and tired of every single
thing. I am so afraid of facing the reality. I have been hiding myself
for far too long. I was not able to tell anyone of how I really feel
and how I really am. I felt so scared, lonely, ashamed and just
couldn¡¦t take it anymore. It have been a no. of occasions that I would
just wanna jump down from the top of the building straight to the
ground. I was scared ¡K. Really scared.. afraid¡Kreally afraid¡K
pain¡Kreally painful¡K The only time I could feel better is when I was
dreaming¡K That is why I have been spending most of the time trying to
make myself sleep¡K Only by dreaming, I would felt sense of belonging..
and only by dreaming, I could be able to stop all these weird and bad
feelings that inside me¡K. They are killing me so much that I am afraid
one day I would just ended up suicide¡K really ¡K I don¡¦t know what to do!
I don¡¦t have any energy or strength to fight against it any more. I am
tired.. I am afraid.. I am finished¡K¡K¡K