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I am once at the crossroad again...I was kinda silly and naive.. in fact has been always like that! I really hate myself for being so impatient at times. I should have to think carefully for all da actions that I
have done whilst they all lie with the consequences. I really did regret for what I
have done yesterday. I guess that was such a big mistake! I kept being defeated by the Devil and always disappointed the Angel side of me?! It was pretty much the saddest and toughest time in my life now. I have really come across this feelings for sometime and I thought it would never appeared again. But here I am.. once again in the crossroad... didn't know which path to go and lost all my interests in life. Sometimes I was thinking why don't I just forget about my life? Since I was so hurt, tons of pain, lots of guilt... I just didn't know what to do? If I ever have a choice? or If there is ever a "turning back in life"? Just once, I would be super appreciated... But I guess life wouldn't work this way! Itz all live show, no rehearsal! You are allow to take one shot only for everything that you do! And I guess that makes life tough and challenge?! I really don't think I have the capability to fight right now. In fact, I am getting sick and tired of turning back and forth. Back and forth! How I wish I have ever made any bad mistakes before... How I wish I could just sit back and relax in the beach without any worries. But the truth is?! I cant and I wont! God, I am sorry for keep bitching about it! I knew there are tons of the people out there that are 10000 times worst than me.. and there are tons of people that are 1000000 times more suffer than me?! But I guess letting something out from the chest would be a good idea to relief some of your pains! Anyways, god, please... just a little help?! I sincerely hope that I can make through it this time?! But I know without your help, I wont be able to do it?! So please, may god be with me?!
Really
Glad to know Ms. Janus Tam... Never expect to find someone that
is so good hearted and sincere. I thought she was like those
"Flirting" type initially... but she really did turn out the
opposite... Surprisingly?! I would never expect to get to know
someone like her. She really did appear as a kind, nice and
understanding person which has tons to offer and lots of gifts.
Shez gifted with alot of talents, smart and "easy to approach".
I think thatz really amazing that she still has so many good
qualities... especially in this damn bloody cold place like Hong
Kong. REally, I am super grateful to have her as a friend... I
am mostly impressed with her social skills. She is a talkative,
considerate girl which takes account of he needs and feelings of
others,... and conducts herself with an attitude od deep respect
towards others. I have talked with Janus on a variety of
subjects. Her mind is very quick and can easily separate of what
is important from what isn't.. I guess we would never running
out of topics... Coz she is just so friendly and sincere that
people would easily opens their heart for her. She is super
intelligent, a good listener and expresses herself with fact and
clarity... I highly enjoy talking with Janus and feel that I can
learn from her from alot of aspects... Anyways, I guess her good
qualities are tremendous... and surely there'z way more while I
really get to know her... I guess the best description about her
would be: " She is like a light in dark, people will just draw
to her coz of her brightness?!" I am super proud to have her as
a friend... Even though, I will have to go back next Monday...
and I know I am going to miss her... But I guess a real friend
lies from within ... and no matter where you are... your heart
will always have him or her... and I swear that I am going to
treasure her the most... Coz it is not easy to have a friend
with so much of good qualities and so much of gifts... In short,
I would like to thank you, Janus for coming into my life... and
cheer me up when I was down... Thanks and wish you all the best
in everything... and will always pray for you?! Take good
care!!! And hopefully we can have some mad fun when I come back
from Canada?!
Watch
the news today... Feeling kinda sad and hopeless... Itz super
sad to see some Korean people being held hostages by the Taliban
Troops. That was fucking insane and nuts?! How could you
possibly kidnapped someone that is innocent and without
weapons?! Those Taliban people were fucking devils and nuts.
They should get what they deserve?! If there is a god, please
send them to hell immediately?! Another sad news was that... one
of the Korean was confirmed death right after few days of the
kidnap took place. According to the report, most of these
Koreans are volunteers or medical doctors .... they were there
to save and giving a helping hand to those people who were
suffered from the cold bloody war. God, that was way scary?! I
wish there is no war and no argument in this world. I really
didn't understand why one has to kill the other?? Killing and
revenge will never never end. The only way to end an argument
or fight will be shaking hands...and live peacefully together...
Sometimes, I wonder how civilize are we? I think we are just
like the old days whereby A kills B because A doesn't like B?!
Sooner or later, the world war three is gonna come if we kept
doing stupid things like that?! May be the world that we are
living in is meant to be like that... May be there must be some
kind of evil...so we know what is angel?! May be there must be
war, so we know what is Peace?! If this is a must... I wish I
would never have to see this must?! I wish my life will always
be boring... I hate and didn't wanna see any excitements! such as
911, Terrorist attack...hostages... wow... just makes me sad...
I really did crying deep down inside... Coz that must be super
painful for a family to lose their Children... I think that
would be super painful.... God please stop the war?! Bush please
stop fighting and shake hands with Laden... If you two can get
alone well... Our world will then become a better place?
It has been rough and tough for me lately... It is the most difficult day for me... I really
didn't want to do that?! Six months again?! That is surely something that I
didn't want to do?! Six months man? that is like across 2008?! that is way too much?! way too heavy?! I cant afford to do that?! But what the hell?! My dad has already done his best...but most likely I will have to spend another six months in Canada...But I really
didn't want to do that ?! coz...I really miss my life in HK... Well...in certain extent that is for my own good...but I deep down inside...I will have to give up everything
pretty much... that will include my job, my girl, my friends....pretty much everything...and I did promise my little sister Joanne and my best friend Clare that I am going to attend both of their weddings but I guess...that would be relatively difficult to do so... because of this stupid incident... God? Why did you have to do that to me? Even though it is not for sure...but somehow I knew that is going to be
happened .... God, Please help me out?! If you still do care and still do give a shit about me?! Please do something about it?! I have already changed my whole personality inside out... I
didn't do anything stupid any more?! I didn't even go out clubbing...or any sort of night activities..and all I do nowadays are attending
counseling services, volunteer work... tutoring small kids...I have already done my best to change...and all I am asking here is a very last chance?! What have stopped you from helping me? or is that what you want with my life? Wasting it all?! I
didn't know?! I wish I could be happy and typing something that is positive in here...but I cant coz..I am super sad and worry?! Is that what you want? you know what? Not having freedom is like living in da hell! I am serious?! May be you
didn't know how I really feel...but let me tell you what?! I did feel shit and really wanna kill myself...and just end my life here..coz it is so stupid to waste another six months of not doing anything...I want my work..my career and everything?! If there is
God, I know you will help me?! And all I am asking now..was just FREEDOM?!!!
Actually...I should of writing this journal on 19th... but then I was
still busy with my thing... After spending whole day with my mum and da
social worker...finally I have the result... I thought the result was
good!! but after spending tremendous time talking to that and that...and
of course I have also conducted a no. of researches...finally..I have
come to the conclusion that it was not lucky...perhaps it was unlucky?!
I didn't know and really don't know... Anyways, I have already done my
very best...and aiming to get that result...but of course...it has
always been the same...I will never get what I wanna get...but instead I
will always get what I don't wanna get...eventhough it was not the
worst...but still it is not good enough?! I was so tense...and
panic...throughout the day...and I knew my mum was hurt...worrying
and crying too... Well....I knew that one should be responsible for his
or her own action..but sometimes the price is just way too costly... I
really don't think I should receive such gift...but what the fuck...
anyways...the problems have been driving me nuts...I went for couple
counseling sections and even devoted all my time to volunteer
work...teaching small kids...but still I felt powerless and fuck up...so
I went to see Mr. Cheng... the priest...and asking him for
help...Well...to certain extent...he is right...he said...you will never
know what is right and what is wrong...and what is good and what is
bad?! you may think it is superbly bad...whilst somewhere down the
road...it is good?! who knows what the future holds? only by surrender
yourself to god...and listening from him...you will find your road
thru.....he said that he can see the seed inside me...it just that
something has stopped and blocked me from growing... He suggested me to
go back to Christian fellowship again...but to be frank...I don't hate
Christian fellowship...but it just that it is not okay for a Christian
to smoke...and cigarette is pretty much my other life?! haha....
well..just kidding but anyways...I am still thinking about his words...I
hope that I will be able to solve it out...sometimes I just hate
myself..coz I was so powerless...and I was so stupid so less so empty
that i cant do anything to change the whole scenario...whilst I used to
think I have the power to change ...at least my own thing...but I guess
it is not...my road sometimes is controlled by others...and that is what
i don't wanna see..but that is just what happened to me? what will you
do? if you are in my shoes? will you commit suicide? well..I really
wanna do it?! May be I should? If life is so valuable...and so
good...why there is still so many people are hurting and suffering out
there? where is the love? where is the humanity? I cant find it?! if you
know where is it, please bring me along with you?! Coz...my life is full
of pain!
Have you ever experienced Flying High in da sky? or have you ever dreaming of touch the sky?! Well...I did today...and the feeling is awesome?! Well...Guess what I did today? I
couldn't put up with living that stupid place today....I did my very best...but the craving for smoke is getting more and more...and perhaps overwhelming...and then it finally get to the point that I
couldn't put up with it anymore...coz I knew I would become crazy and insane...shortly....if I
didn't go for a smoke...so guess what I do? I sneaked out to get a smoke..then went back to da house...and share my smoke with Roy...but that stupid fellow told another idiot...then we ended up sharing one cigarette with three people...that is pretty much crazy?!! Anyways...I really
couldn't put up with it..so I decided to go out with Roy...and we decided not to go back to da house any more... no more...that is the last time for us...and that is all...coz I have enough of these shits...Anyways, we went to visit his friend... and his friend got us some stuffs...I
didn't wanna do it at first...but then Roy kept persuading me...and forcing me...kept saying that ...that is enough...we should go out and have some mad fun...since we have finally left that shitty place...so I did a little bit with them....then we went out to get some beers...and we drank and drank...until...we are like idiots...laughing at each other... haha...that is so stupid....I thought I would be able to forget what happened to me and Jacq. by doing that...but I
don't think so...coz the problem is still there...and I felt like shit...coz I kept vomitting ...even though I
didn't eat much today...but still....I guess that have to do with the
alcohol...Anyways....life is still shit...and I hate it so much...and I promised myself that I will never never never do this stupid shit again...coz that is fucking stupid and naive?!
It is a really sad day for me...Finally I have to leave my little baby, Jacqueline and get moving to that stupid damn place. I felt kinda sad and sorry..... hurt and painful... I have no choice but have to lie to her... You know...the feeling is kinda hard for me... coz I really hate lying...especially about relationship kinda thing... Even though she promised me that she is going to wait for me...and she will be a good little girl and will never "kau chai" until I get back... but the problem is that...I
don't want her to wait for me... In fact, I don't think she will wait for me anyways... I
didn't wanna be so realistic....but that is basically what happens in the reality... You just cant expect people wait for you!!! Coz...that just
doesn't work in the world that we are living in today?! Time is pretty much money?! As far as I know... And everybody loves Money?
Don't tell me that you don't?! Anyways, back to my day?! I got up at around Ten... that went out for a quick lunch ! McDonald again?! Yes...that is my favorite?! After that, I went to a supermarket pick up some junk foods and stuffs....then went back home...picked up one large "LV" bag...then...taking a taxi to that stupid fucking place... I was pretty much torture?! feeling extremely powerless...I wish that I have couple of million dollars now...coz if I have it...I will indeed migrate to another country.... I just wanna go to a different place whereby I can start my whole new life there again?! Hong Kong...no doubt has been given me tremendous of happiness and Joy...but at the same time, it did give me tremendous of sadness, grief and losses.... Sometimes....I am thinking ....is god fair? I think he does?! coz if he is not, I wont be getting all these shits... I think all these resulted as what I have done previously...well...I have to admit that I did alot of bad things before... especially in relationships kinda thing... I was so easy to be with someone...It has always been funny...that I can go out with a girl when I just met her once..or even couple hours...
don't you think that is insane?! And after being together with her for like few days, then I have realized that she was not my cup of tea...and then I just fuck off...that is really a jerk?! I think.... No wonder I am getting all these shits all these while...coz it is a punishment from god... Like this time...finally managed to find someone that is so sweet...and pure... that is what
I think anyways... coz she didn't even go "party" or whatever...that is considered Pure...for me anyways... I am so so so so much in love...and she has been sms-ing me all da time....and her msg. was just so lovely...and that is how
I make thru my days...coz of her...without her, my life will be miserable...I knew.......well....what can I do? Really
don't wanna lose her...but nothing much I can do I guess? All I can do perhaps...was praying that I can finish up my thing a.s.a.p. but I doubt it?! If love is romantic?! I wish she will be waiting for me?! but will she?
This is the worst day of my life ...... I still
couldn't forget the whole scenario....starting from Shek Kip Mei until Shum Shui Po... The whole incident was super fucked up...scary...and I
don't know...I was super regret...and upset about this shit... I really
didn't think that this could happened to me again?! I guess this must be happened for a reason from God!!! But Fuck?! Who is da God? Why such of thing did happen to me? Why did he do this for? Fuck!! I hate you!! If there is a God!!! or a Dog?! I
didn't mean to insult you!!! But really that surely is a tragedy for me?! for you....that may be a small piece of cake...but for me that was a fucking big huge deal?! I would lost pretty much everything because of this!!! Fuck!!!! For fuck sake, why did you do that for? I knew that I must face certain responsibility for my own action...but what about you? Did you really wanna see me CRAWL? see me dead? Is that what you want from me? If that is so,...I tell you what... you are going to get it pretty soon!! I have already checked out certain building from Kwun Tong...whereby would be a perfect place to jump down from... I am pretty sure...My body will be broken into pieces...and I am going to die afterwards.... That is what you wanna see, Right? God...I am sorry to keep bitching it... but to be frank, I am super upset...and super powerless... I understand that you are trying to save me from a harsh way...but that is really too much for me... I
don't think I can handle it.... Besides... Time is super important to me...I am sure you know what I mean!!! Anyways...God..... I still remember the story of the footprint....and I sincerely do hope now me and you are the exact example of the footprint!! Can you promise me that? Please do!!! me?
Mother¡¦s day today!! I have bought a nice little bracelet to my mum!! She really likes it!! Haha¡Kof course, I am da one who chose it and I always have a good taste!! Haha!! Kidding¡K.Well, it has been quite a long time for me!!! I have been suffering sleeping disorder lately and haven¡¦t managed to have an eight hour straight sleep lately!!!
This is such a hurting for me whilst I am those type of people that
needs to be sleeping for more than eight hours a day. If possible,
I would prefer ten hours. Actually, I don't know why but just that I
really need to sleep. My sleeping record is 30hours straight.
This has done whilst I was in university. That was pretty insane,
isn't it? Imagine someone can sleep more than a day without any
food or getting up. Haha. Anyways, kinda lazy to type my journal lately¡K..I guess I should put more effort to it¡K.haha¡K Anyways, will see ya again tomorrow, Ms. Journal!!!
Today's a special day for me. I went back to da Dragon today and had a meeting with ex-boss, Mr. Lee. Surprisingly both Canny and Mr. Lee wanted me to re-join the company!!! I was shocked that most of da staffs especially the "high positions" and managerial levels all think that I was really good at work!!! Most of them have praised my performances and attitude at work!! I was really shocked coz frankly I didn¡¦t think I have been giving 100% effort during the last time working there. Anyways, I will be joining the work force again (on the 21st) upon long discussion with Mr. Lee. I will indeed give my best shot this time!! Itz not easy to find a company that really likes and appreciates your work especially in Hong Kong-this bloody cold and cruel business environment!!! Anyways, Looking forward to work in HK Dragon again!!!
After spending nearly 5 months in there... Finally I have accomplished of what I had accomplished!! Thank god!! Hong Kong is still like Hong Kong!!! The pace is still super fast and people are still the same!!! Not much of differences!!! Anyways, I was worrying about not able to get used to the life anymore whilst I have already developed my unique kinda habit!!! Well, itz quite true that I
didn't get used to it initially..... But everything is getting better and better eventually... Anyways, I went for little massage today!!! WEll...for sure!!! since I have been so "Sincere" for such a long time!!! I guess itz time to get little wild,
isn't it?! Well...Still worrying about my commission!!! Just worry that I might not be able to collect it since I left my company without any notice in advance!!! Thatz a bit too much but like I said...I really have no choice!!! For da people that knew me well, they sure knew that I
wouldn't be like that....There must be a strong reason of why I have become like that!!! Anyways, I am super glad that finally all da bad and dark days were gone!!! Starting to see the sun light!!!! Anyways....thatz pretty much for today and Ms. Journal, I will remember to keep you in touch every minute every day!!!! Adioz, Ms. Journal!
